Some people jump into motherhood with all of their being; kind of like a cartoon character dives from the high dive into an impossibly shallow pool. Yet, those moms seem to figure out on the way down how to swim in the 6 inches of water without a worry. They seem born knowing how to sooth an infant while entertaining a toddler.
I was not one of those moms.
I did not willingly take the plunge, I found myself on the high dive and then sort of tripped and panicked on the way down. I still feel that way most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is, undoubtedly, the best thing ever to happen to me. That little girl lights up my whole life. I didn’t even know what I was missing before she came along.
But, that does not change the fact that I still struggle with parenting—A LOT. I subscribe to the theory that kids ruin everything – especially the furniture. That doesn’t mean that I would change this experience, it just means that I have a lot still to learn – like balancing motherhood and being a grown up.
I have struggled with this since she was born—and, I got it all wrong many times. Far too often I found myself being only a mother. I didn’t even have a wardrobe to go out to dinner that involved real silverware. I didn’t think that I needed it. The princess didn’t require fancy restaurants; she liked picnics at the park. So, I had clothes for work and clothes for the park. I barely looked presentable at the grocery store. But, I didn’t think it mattered. I was busy trying to throw myself into motherhood.
I also didn’t have friends. I locked myself up in the tower with the princess and watched Sesame Street and sang silly songs. Now, this was fun, but I was missing something too. I didn’t have a support system when things went wrong. I didn’t have a husband or a babysitter or anyone to call on the phone when really awesome stuff happened.
Eight short years later, I’ve learned I need balance. I don’t know exactly how to achieve it, but I know that I need it. I have a selection of good friends to share stories with, I have a support system in place for all of the stuff that happens, and I have an idea of how to find time for myself. Still no husband, but that will all work itself out in time. As it were, when I forgot how to be myself, I didn’t have much to offer in the marriage category anyway.
So, I didn’t choose this role. But, I’m really glad it chose me. I’ll keep trying to figure out the balancing act. And, while I do, I’ll keep making mistakes. Occasionally, if I’m lucky, I’ll get a few things right along the way too.
My name is Mom. I live in Fairy Tale Land with a Pirate, a Fairy and the Princess. My job duties include: head cook, Chief Executive of Laundry Operations, Vacuum Maintenance Engineer, Chief of Picking up Random objects and Primary Sherpa. I spend a great deal of time carrying sparkly, sequined, glitter covered tutus and miscellaneous dance shoes for the Princess. I long for moments of quiet and a mani/pedi. Trying to strike a balance between being a grown up and being a good mom.
Very well said!!! While I may have been closer to the Mom that figured out how to swim, I still have struggled to balance who I with who I was and even who I want to be. Living where I do with no family anywhere close, I have definitely found the importance of great friends and definitely nurture those relationships. I even have non-Mom friends that offer a whole different dynamic to the friendship. Never stop working on yourself, I have learned that you can’t be really good at much else if you are not good with yourself first!